And remaining pals may seem like the mature, evolved thing to do. Elliott , author of the book Getting Past Your Breakup. Her general recommendation is to wait at least six months before thinking about a friendship, though the amount of time may vary depending on the couple, the seriousness of the prior relationship and how it ended.
Even after the most amicable breakup, everyone needs time to work through the split and all their feelings.
Some people may stay friends with all of their old flames , and that can be a great thing for them. Note that in some cases, particularly if the relationship was abusive or otherwise toxic , trying to be friends could be damaging or even dangerous.
We asked therapists to share the signs that you should probably hold off for now. You need to give yourself ample time and space to mourn the end of the relationship. In the end, she and her ex both kept hanging out with their friends, but separately. Korducki also wonders, however, whether the popularity of staying friends or attempting to stay friends after a breakup may be tied to the rise in loneliness and the reported trend toward smaller social circles in the United States. Plus, she suggested, staying friends can help preserve the other social connections that are tied to the defunct romantic pairing.
Staying friends, or at least staying on good terms, could help preserve the extended network that the relationship created. Skip to content Site Navigation The Atlantic. Popular Latest. The Atlantic Crossword. Needless to say, deciding to stay friends with an ex because you aren't over them romantically — and want to leave the door open in case they change their mind about the breakup — is definitely not advised and will only hold you back from being able to move on.
If you're unsure where you fall, this list should help you decide. Here are six reasons not to attempt a friendship — plus, the single most important question to ask yourself to figure out if you can stay friends with your ex. In my clinical experience, taking time off from all contact immediately after a breakup is beneficial. This is the time for boundaries. Having clear-cut rules of engagement is crucial to your healing process.
This detox time allows you to let go, grieve the loss of the relationship, and have some distance which gives you a new perspective. I always recommend taking one year of space, no less than six months. If after taking that break you still want to be friends and you can answer the question I propose at the end of this article in the affirmative, you might have a potential friendship to develop! Typically, one person wanted to break up more than the other.
Therefore, one of you is likely to still have romantic feelings. Spending time together when you have romantic desires is not clean. Think about it: Are you spending a lot of time dressing up, trying to look fabulous, and seem cool and desirable to your ex before your "platonic" hangouts? If so, you aren't just being friends — and you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Hanging out with your ex when there are lingering feelings in either direction prevents you from grieving the loss of the relationship and feeling the feelings you need to experience in order to let go.
F ew relationship questions are as polarizing as whether or not you should stay friends with an ex. Anecdotal evidence feeds arguments on both sides — but what do the experts say? Under no circumstances should a relationship that was abusive, manipulative or toxic transition into a friendship, Sussman says. One study , for example, found that friendships between exes were more likely to have negative qualities, and less likely to have positive ones, than cross-sex platonic friendships.
That may be especially true if you were never friends before you dated, Sussman says. Sussman also says there are potential downsides to staying friendly with an ex.
Are you giving the new relationship a [fair] chance to really flourish or blossom?
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